Concrete Rose

Concrete Rose
I've been through the darkest of the hells....ive been the ugliest duckling...and yet ive grown into a beautiful woman....i am the rose that grew through the concrete

Friday, April 13, 2018


Ever have that moment where is all feels like a dream?

That very moment when you finally want to exhale

A moment to finally feel FREE

I constantly find myself searching for that moment of feeling PEACE in its entirety. Its like every time I finally approach that moment, finally when my exhale is at its point of being release, when my smile reaches that final 90 degree angle in the opposite corner....\my air supply is cut off and I CHOKE again. My smile goes back to that place of nonexistence. What wouldn't I give to finally EXHALE. To feel my lungs release that air of negativity. To feel my ribs finally remove that agonizing compression that just wont move! Oh how I want to EXHALE so bad. I want to feel that joy that breathing finally brings. Instead I have been taken hostage by this state of suffocation and stillness. My back is stiff, my chest is full, my brows are frayed, my faith, my cry, my scream, my prayers, my plea for MERCY, and my gratitude, are all STUCK.... STUCK in my ribs, STUCK in my chest, STUCK in my throat, STUCK in my mind.....I feel it in my throat....oh how bad I want to


Monday, January 6, 2014

-sincerely a lonely "LONER"

when there's no one around who do you talk to? When there's no one there to laugh at your jokes, who do you laugh with? When you need a shoulder to cry on who's shoulder do use? when you've made a stupid mistake, who do you get mad with?

These are just everyday life situations that happen to everyone, but when you are a loner the answers to those questions are yourself.  I know the answers to these questions so well because i am the definition of a LONER!!! I find interest in activities that most would consider boring. I can sit in the same place for hours reading a book or watch the marathon of my favorite show and not be bothered by anyone else in the whole entire world. I never really get excited about going out, most of the time when im out with friends its because Ive been forced lol  I dont really show any type of emotions, ive never been the type to wear my feelings on my sleeves, i dont know how to react when people show me affection or when a person tries to hug me i tense up. To be honest, when im alone i cry all of the time, its like i want to scream but something stops me. On the inside i am screaming and hurting, on the outside i am stern and well put together. When i need a shoulder to cry on i have nobody, when i need a good listener ear, i have nobody... being a loner is good when you want to keep your business to yourself but when you're having one of those moments where you just need someone to be there you only have yourself. I know that I've made it thus far in life being the way that i am and that is by the grace of God. On the inside i am hurting, its like a giant is standing on my chest, i am hurting so badly and its all building up on the inside and all the pain thats building up on the inside is the punishment that i am receiving from being a loner. Because i have no one its like i leave all of the consequences for my problems and everyday situations in my own hands. if something goes wrong i punish myself. That's the absolute worst part about being a loner, i don't have anyone to blame but myself... if i let my guard down and let people in and those people end up hurting me, i can only get upset with myself for letting them in, because i made that decision....i think that me becoming a loner has been my way of defending myself from the world. I think that the most hurt that i have experienced in life has been from putting my trust people has earned me the most hurt...but my question is how can a person make it through life without friends? How can i continue my life when all i do is cut myself off from the world...either way no matter what relationships i make with people things wont always go the right way, the way that i am trying to protect myself is actually hindering me, i have to live my life fearlessly i cant be afriad of being hurt, but i can take the necessary procautions to stop myself from being sick and tired of being sick and tired, right now i am at a point where i am hurting, im hurt, i feellike im suffocating because i have nobody, i have my God and with the grace of my lord and savior i will make it, even when all of my hope feels like it has no place

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Vulnerable Prayers...

Theres nothing more uncomfortable than feeling vulnerable....i feel myself falling into this stage of  constant vulnerability....my vulnerability has been caused my the everlasting feeling of "no love"...that moment when you've made a major accomplishment or you've been in the emergency room all night because you are sick and no one gives a DAMN....you walk through the door waiting for that comfort or you wait for that phone call for acknowledgement and you NEVER get it from the people that matter the most...FAMILY...i have been fighting and battling with my body to cooperate with me and after hospital visit after visit, test after test, after my body has been turned into a lab experiment and i walk through that door to my home and nobody gives a damn...my body is tired, my mind is tired, i know that with the strength that God provides me with that i will make it...but its times like this when you need people the most, and when you cant even get a hug from your mother because she is stuck into her own selfish blurr that's when you know that the only person you have is God....i know that God will get me through this mess, i feel God in my heart, i know that God will make me better and give ME the strength to overcome whatever is taking over my health...throughout this whole ordeal over the years i have NEVER been scared...because i am more than positive that God will provide, but throughout this whole ordeal i have always been sad because i have no one physically...my body is sick, and I'm not scared, the only thing that i can continue to do is keep my faith....and not let this state of vulnerability lead to irrational decisions...

Saturday, August 25, 2012


 Found myself listening to some good music today, actually it was by mistake, ever found yourself listening to music and the entire time your soul is being fed by those lyrics and you get lost into the melody you find your mind thinking about ONE person...everything is so BLACK and WHITE, my thoughts are so unclear, i wish everyone would stop asking me questions or trying to find a way to make everything okay, im grateful but at the sametime im angry, sad, hurt, and in consolable, i need this time to get my thoughts together and its hard to do that when everyone is in your face, the month of August has always been the hardest month for me for 3 years now, i just want to go away for a while, as i stated before everything is so unclear, my world is so unclear and nothing makes sense AT ALL but theres only ONE thing that am certain about....

"Since I Lost My Baby"
-Luther Vandross

The sun is shining, there's plenty of light
A new day is dawning, sunny and bright
But after I've been crying all night
The sun is cold and the new day seems old
Since I lost my baby
Oh since I lost my baby

The birds are singing and the children are playing
There's plenty of work and the bosses are paying
Not a sad word should a young heart be saying
But fun is a bore
And with money I'm poor
Since I lost my baby (Since I lost my baby)
Oh since I lost my baby
My baby, my baby, my baby
Next time I'll be kinder, to my lady
Won't you please help me find her (I've got to find that girl)
Someone just remind her
Of this love she left behind her
Til I find her I'll be trying to
Everyday I'm growing kinder
Tryin' to find her,find her
Inclined to find my baby (My baby)
I've been looking everywhere (My baby)
Hey baby I really really care

My determination is fading fast
So fast, so fast so fast
Exploration is a thing of the past
I can't see how my hope's gonna last
Good things are bad and what's happy is sad
So sad, so sad, so sad

[Chorus and Fade]

Friday, August 24, 2012

....when words FAIL...music SPEAKS


Where were you, when I needed a friend
Thought I could be strong
Never knew I'd be so alone
A heart breaker, most of my life
Suddenly all changed
The moment you left me
And walked out my life
I tried to play cool
But instead I was playing myself
What you gotta know about me
Is I'm dying in this lonely hell

And I don't wanna be without you
Cause I can't hardly breathe without you
This is what it feels to be the one
Who's standing left behind
How did I become the wrong side of a love song?

Baby, I'm a mess
Out of every piece and part of me
You were always the best
But instead I was leaving you here alone
But I didn't mean it,
No, I didn't mean it
Now i'm begging baby come home

And you got me singing Why?
Why you wanna make me cry
I'll be thinking 'bout you
Got me dreaming 'bout you
Every single day and night

And I don't wanna be without you
Cause I can't hardly breathe without you
This is what it feels to be the one
Who's standing left behind
How did I become the wrong side of a love song?

Baby... hmmmm
Wanna know, why?
Can you tell me why?
Said that you'll be there for me
Said you care for me
So why you gotta say goodbye

And I don't wanna be without you
Cause I can hardly breathe without you
This is what it feels to be the one
Who's standing left behind
How did I become the wrong side of a love song?

Why, why, why, oh oh oh
Oh I need you
Oh baby oh baby

Tuesday, August 21, 2012




re·morse[ri-mawrs]  noun
1. deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction.
2. Obsolete . pity; compassion

As I sit here and try to contemplate and make sense of recent hurt, as i sit here and try to fool myself about the truth...i sit here all alone as the tears never seem to stop, staring at a suicide letter dated to God 2 weeks ago, my soul hurts, my chest is tight, my mind is heavy and my body is tired...to the outside world im happy, healthy, smiling and free, on the inside i have to deal with the constant thought of knowing that my time on this earth isnt much longer and i hold in my screams i just want to say "Oh God WHY ME?!" see this isn't a mystery i fought my way into this world at a wopping 2 Ilbs and it was known ever since that day that my days might not be long, ive known since 10 grade that one day i'd be free several years later im find myself sometimes begging to be freed. God granted me with a big heart...and im not just talking literally...i love so many people nearly everyone i meet, i love strangers i even love my enemies, i love people so easily because my of my heart. Most of the time my heart beats fast, sometimes slow from time to time it almost stops and its all beyond my control, sometimes i faint and i cant even remember why or how it happened. But one thing that i have never done is be stingy with my heart, my heart thats inside of my chest may be weak but it loves and it loves deep...and most of the time people take my heart for granted they take selfish advantage of my heart because they know that no matter what happens my heart will still accept them, most people call me dumb i call it "living"...sometimes i gets hard because i know that one day it'll stop beating and my family and love ones will all miss me, i try to fight this battle as long and as hard as i can and i try to forgive the ignorant, i not always right and people in this world wont always treat me right, but i was effortlessly equipped to forgive, as i sit here and think the only word that comes to mind is "remorse"...this world is dirty and this world is harsh and one thing that i've learned the hard way is that everyone isn't the same, i thought that because i was made so unselfishly that others would be the same...FALSE... people will make you equivalent to dirt and do it all while smiling in your , people will hurt you and lie to you without feeling any type of remorse, people lie and scheme behind your back and will smile in your face with the most innocent and honest smile and when everything comes to light and all is said and done there is no remorse, when times get hard for me i try to make the battle my own instead of placing it all in the hands of the lord, i know that my actions aren't always right but when you've presented the real you to a person and when everything finally comes to true you find out that you've been the only one without a mask on thats when the anger unfolds, sometimes the worries and the trials of my world become to much and most recently i felt as though i could not endure another battle and i asked God to bring me home, dealing with the ugliness of the world on top of my heart getting tired was just becoming too much...

Friday, August 17, 2012



Found myself getting weary...had to remind myself that "...this too shall pass..."